What's Wrong With This Picture?

That's right, Virginia. They're all men. White men. Richass white men. And no, they aren't undertakers. What did you say? No, that's not a blackjack the guy in front is carrying. It's a memo from God sent by way of a bush the guy found burning in his front yard a few days ago.

Oh, and one more thing: notice the funny way they walk? That's due to the parking meters stuck up their asses.

But there's hope, Virginia. I think I finally figured out what's wrong with these meter readers: Nature Deficit Disorder. I kid you not! Nothing a couple of months in the wilderness couldn't cure.

I mean, take away the mirrors, the cellphones, the TV cameras, the Crest Whitestrips...these Jeremiah Johnsons will be free to wrestle their demons to the ground to their little hearts' desire and then have their way with them, with no one the wiser.

Which sounds like a good description of the rest of us poor sad assholes.



Picture this: we arrange for a couple of Blackhawks to unload these boy scouts somewhere up in the Quetico, with a boatload of Lipton tea and just enough DEET to cover their assets until payday.

First, though, we'll need to figure out a way to coax them out from behind that circle of wagons. What's that, Virginia? Sorry, but the Sarah-and-Michelle-Red-White-and-Blue-Lap-Dance-Revue, however tempting an idea, is not a plausible option.

Which sounds like a good description of our current state. Make that Ship of State.

Hey, wait a minute, I've got it! How about a couple of years on a ship anchored in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle for these mermen? You know, Ship of Fools and all that. That is, if the Border Patrol nixes the Quetico thing.

Or what about convincing NASA to make room for these space cadets on the one-way trip to Mars, or the Juno probe to Jupiter? That's right, Virginia, the Juno launches in August. At least something will launch in August.

Meanwhile, can we switch to another channel? I kid you not, a person can only take so much "American Idle" before wanting to XXX it all and throw the television out the window. I wonder, is that the same as throwing the baby out with the bathwater? Just ask the rent-a-cops in the photo, they oughta know.