March Madness

The temperature soared past thirty yesterday so I took down all the Christmas crap. I figured it was time, it's almost Easter.

Christmas? Easter? I? Why am I uppercasing these words? Why am I writing this inane fucking drivel? None of this shit is remotely important!!! WHY???

Does the word
HIGH LEVEL RADIATION!!!
mean anything to you???

How about
CORE MELTDOWN!!!

Familiar with that new season???
NUCLEAR WINTER!!!

Weatherman says take your vitamins and stay indoors. For the next two-hundred-and-forty-seven years. I say you don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was your trip to Japan?

Tectonic plates...Tsunamis...Tunisia...Egypt...Libya...Wisconsin...

It's the Domino Theory.

It's the Ides of March. It's March Madness. It's the March of Dimes. It's the March of Dime Bags.

It's St. Patrick's Day. It's Lent. It's Purim. It's Ash Wednesday.

It's the Vernal Equinox. Daylight Savings. Dr. Seuss's Birthday. Fat Tuesday.

It's Pisces. It's Aries. It's National Kidney Month. It's a Super Perigee Moon.

It's Barbie's Birthday. St. Urho's Day. National Earmuffs Day. The Oscars.

It's National Open an Umbrella Indoors Day. It's National Chocolate Covered Raisins and World Tuberculosis Day. It's The Swallows Returning to Capistrano, all seven of them. It's Won't You Be My Neighbor Day, but first take a stroll past this lil' ol' Geiger counter.

It's Weed Appreciation Day. It's Quirky Country Music Song Titles and Viagra Day. It's Pencil Day. It's My Mother's Birthday. It's My High School Boyfriend's Birthday. It's My Husband's Birthday.

Last but not least, it's National Make Up Your Own Holiday Day. I shit you not, Google it.

So here's my contribution: it's How Many Half-wits Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb Day. It's How Many Half-lifes Does It Take the Half-wits to Change the Fucking Lightbulb Day. It's National It's Not Nice to Fool Mother Nature Day. It's National What's Wrong With This Fucking Picture Day.

Whatever it is, it's not Christmas. And it's not Easter. And it's not I.

"Not I!" said the Duck.

"Not I!" said the Cat.

"Not I!" said the Dog.

"Then I shall have to do it myself," said the Little Red Hen, and she bent over, stuck her head between her legs and kissed her sweet ass goodbye.