Holiday Letter

Dear Friends and Family!

Greetings to each and every one of you! I hope this finds you all well and happy! And drunk! Let me tell you, it's been one fuck of a year!

For Christmas this year my husband sent in an application for the one-way Mars trip! Can you beat that? I can! Under "Applicant's Name," he put mine! In case I'm rejected, he has another one filled out under his name! He left a copy of the application under the tree inside one of those tall skinny gift bags designed for bottles! He knew I'd open that one first!

What a guy! I was touched! But as many of you know, I've been touched since I was a teenager! In more ways than one! As many of you know!

Speaking of teenagers, you'll be happy to know they finally let ours out! It's been quite a time, believe you me, but the lobotomy seems to have worked! And I only have a tiny scar, which my bangs keep well hidden! Will wonders never cease?

No, they won't! I keep wondering what will happen next, and then Michele Bachmann runs for President! I kid you not, this isn't some "Saturday Night Live" sketch! I wish I knew that broad's pharmacist! But hey, I'd run for President, too, if I thought I could catch him! What a doll! The Other Michelle is one lucky stiff!

Speaking of stiff, I could use a stiff...mummy! Had you fooled there for a second, didn't I? It's true! Someone I used to know ended up driving around California for nine months in a mummified condition! And I'm not speaking metaphorically! Obviously someone else did the driving, but it's all hush-hush, so mum(my)'s the word! Ha-ha!

Speaking of funny, in honor of our daughter's stay at the funny farm, we had a party! It started last July, when she first went in, and lasted six months! Now that she's out, it's back to business as usual! More partying!

On another note, the job's going great! I passed the drug test with flying colors! Will wonders never cease? My husband thinks the lab results got mixed up, but who's keeping track? When life gives you lemonade, drink it!

Speaking of which, I'll drink to that! Sorry this letter is a wee bit late, but it took me awhile to chew through the restraints! Ha-ha!

But seriously, folks, I hope the New Year brings you everything your little hearts desire! Put that in your pipe and smoke it! Which is exactly what I'm planning to do, when that package from California arrives! Until then...

World Peace! Greenpeace! Peace and Love! Proposition 19!

Friends 4-Ever!
sixspruce!