Santa Paws ...

... is watching ...

Holiday Letter 2012

Dear Friends and Family!

Greetings to each and every one of you! Except white supremacists, serial killers, sex traffickers and anyone wearing blaze orange! Unsubscribe Now!

I would've written sooner, but it took me awhile to get oriented! I've entered the Witness Protection Program! I have no idea where the fuck I am! But don't tell anyone! Especially my daughter!

If anyone reading this has a healthy relationship with a teenager, bite me! On second thought, send me a year's supply of whatever it is you're on! I'll pay triple if I hear from you in the next nine minutes! In fact, I'll throw in the real estate holdings if you'll enter my teenager in the Witness Protection Program! In Uzbekistan!

I remember when I used to be a teenager! The doctor says that's a good sign! Now if I could just remember where the fuck I left my glasses! My wine glasses, that is! I always have a couple dozen going at once to offset those pesky senior moments! In my case make that senior months!

For those of you who've been wondering, the surgery went well! It's a work in progress! Another twenty procedures should do the trick! I'd gladly do a testimonial for "Not Your Daughter's Face" Age Management Clinic, but their attorneys have slapped me with a gag order! First they slapped me! They're offering a full refund and income for life if I leave the country and never show my face again!

I can't leave the country, I've already been relocated! Which is also what I call it whenever I come across one of those pesky wine glasses! As for my face, I've got that covered, too! In lieu of a full body burqa, I try to hang around my peer group as much as possible! None of us can see worth shit, we all look simply mahvelous to one another! Breathtaking! Airbrushed! Younger than springtime! You can turn back time, Virginia!

Speaking of turning back time, my husband has left our marriage bed! Problem is, he can't remember where he left it! We seem to be on the same page in the AARP Desk Reference (see above re "finding my glasses")! He's taken to sleeping in the sauna! He says he doesn't want me to catch his cold, but I'm not buying! He's had this cold since September! 1998!

Speaking of Virginia, the only Virginia I know is that two-bit redneck town up on the Iron Range (see above re "anyone wearing blaze orange")! Hey, I know! What say we suit up and do us a little thinning of that herd, Ginny!

Speaking of memory loss, I almost forgot! My daughter gave me an early Christmas present! A choke! Excuse me, a choker! She assured me it wasn't shoplifted or bought with stolen money, the little darling! It's these moments a mother treasures! I'll try to remember to send her a thank you note, from wherever it is I'm living! At least I'm living! Not bad for the mother of a teenager!

May your Holiday be merry and bright and your eyesight cease deteriorating! But not to worry! As of midnight tonight the DNR* has declared Open Season on anyone wearing blaze orange! And even the legally blind can see that color a mile away! Speaking of color, I almost forgot! May your Christmas be white! Makes spotting those dickwads in orange that much easier!

Support the Right to Arm Bears! And Wolves and Deer and Elephants!

Happy Hunting!
sixspruce!

(*Department of Neanderthal Reduction)